Crush

So devastatingly, things didn’t go to plan. I only produced one egg and unfortunately it didn’t fertilize – so we didn’t even get to put anything back – so basically our first round was a cancelled IVF. Ug it’s just such a numb feeling of disbelief, tears and frustration.

A week down the line I’ve begun to feel positive again – exercising again helps and I guess one needs to throw yourself into the things you can’t do on a IVF cycle… so I’m running again which I love and just keeping generally healthy – I went for my first session of acupuncture yesterday which I’m really excited about as there have been such incredible results with this Dr, plus started the Chinese herbs..  6 pills morning and evening – yukkie! Go little eggs go!!

I think now waiting a month and a half is the worst part. Failure makes, well definitely with us, more determined and one just wants to get cracking again . . .

So feeling in a much better space – we were knocked straight back down last night with a friends sms…. I mean what part of “We’re doing IVF” spells “please tell me the second you’re pregnant and how over the moon you are” AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH makes me so mad…. I know and understand that if you haven’t been through an infertility journey that people just don’t get it . . . but really ? Feeling very angry today . . . best hit the gym.

xx

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IVF time

So it’s been AGES since I posted.. lots has happened. Some things along the way I believe were meant to be – we booked a special deal on flights to Morocco and the dates fell right in-between finishing clomid  (11 rounds with an operation in the middle) and IVF. The holiday was amazing and such an escape, JUST what I needed!! Apart from being told my husbands cousin was pregnant at dinner… TEARS, tears, tears.. (Bless he thought rather he tell me than I see it on FB) Anyway the holiday was a blessing and we feel recharged.

So we’re back and after the last 2 months of not being on anything, partying, living like I’m 21 again and just trying to forget, it’s time to get healthy again and focus. (Although we generally are pretty healthy:) )

I am awaiting my period at the end of this month and then we start our first round of IVF. I’m SUPER excited but terrified at the same time. At the moment we just feel for isolating ourselves. We just can’t be around new borns, family days with loads of kids, especially this time of the year and obviously pregnant couples. It just destroys your positivity… and makes your heart sore!

Anyway – bracing myself for some horrible mood swings but just have to focus on “It’s going to happen!!!!” Big squeeze for all those going through this! It’s CRAP! But I know I am going to come out a stronger person and more equipped as a mother for the twins 🙂

x

Down cycle

After a positive month of nice big follicles and my LH rising normally, it feels like everything has come crashing down again,

My sister inlaw, who I love, is pregnant. The news however was so painful, they’re now having their 2nd in less time than the 4 yrs we’ve been trying, it’s going to be torturous to watch. . . I don’t know what to do about family occasions, right now i don’t feel brave enough, I’ll have to somehow get my head around this one.

Today I got the news I’m not pregnant, and so another cycle starts. I hate it as we’re almost wishing our dream holiday in Nov to Morocco away, wanting to hurry up and jump to IVF. I feel helpless right now, like will it ever happen.

I’ve been on the candida diet now for 3 wks, making sure I eat enough and keep within a healthy weight. I’ve not had a glass of wine either and tonight that’s all I feel for.