Crush

So devastatingly, things didn’t go to plan. I only produced one egg and unfortunately it didn’t fertilize – so we didn’t even get to put anything back – so basically our first round was a cancelled IVF. Ug it’s just such a numb feeling of disbelief, tears and frustration.

A week down the line I’ve begun to feel positive again – exercising again helps and I guess one needs to throw yourself into the things you can’t do on a IVF cycle… so I’m running again which I love and just keeping generally healthy – I went for my first session of acupuncture yesterday which I’m really excited about as there have been such incredible results with this Dr, plus started the Chinese herbs..  6 pills morning and evening – yukkie! Go little eggs go!!

I think now waiting a month and a half is the worst part. Failure makes, well definitely with us, more determined and one just wants to get cracking again . . .

So feeling in a much better space – we were knocked straight back down last night with a friends sms…. I mean what part of “We’re doing IVF” spells “please tell me the second you’re pregnant and how over the moon you are” AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH makes me so mad…. I know and understand that if you haven’t been through an infertility journey that people just don’t get it . . . but really ? Feeling very angry today . . . best hit the gym.

xx

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IVF time

So it’s been AGES since I posted.. lots has happened. Some things along the way I believe were meant to be – we booked a special deal on flights to Morocco and the dates fell right in-between finishing clomid  (11 rounds with an operation in the middle) and IVF. The holiday was amazing and such an escape, JUST what I needed!! Apart from being told my husbands cousin was pregnant at dinner… TEARS, tears, tears.. (Bless he thought rather he tell me than I see it on FB) Anyway the holiday was a blessing and we feel recharged.

So we’re back and after the last 2 months of not being on anything, partying, living like I’m 21 again and just trying to forget, it’s time to get healthy again and focus. (Although we generally are pretty healthy:) )

I am awaiting my period at the end of this month and then we start our first round of IVF. I’m SUPER excited but terrified at the same time. At the moment we just feel for isolating ourselves. We just can’t be around new borns, family days with loads of kids, especially this time of the year and obviously pregnant couples. It just destroys your positivity… and makes your heart sore!

Anyway – bracing myself for some horrible mood swings but just have to focus on “It’s going to happen!!!!” Big squeeze for all those going through this! It’s CRAP! But I know I am going to come out a stronger person and more equipped as a mother for the twins 🙂

x

Down cycle

After a positive month of nice big follicles and my LH rising normally, it feels like everything has come crashing down again,

My sister inlaw, who I love, is pregnant. The news however was so painful, they’re now having their 2nd in less time than the 4 yrs we’ve been trying, it’s going to be torturous to watch. . . I don’t know what to do about family occasions, right now i don’t feel brave enough, I’ll have to somehow get my head around this one.

Today I got the news I’m not pregnant, and so another cycle starts. I hate it as we’re almost wishing our dream holiday in Nov to Morocco away, wanting to hurry up and jump to IVF. I feel helpless right now, like will it ever happen.

I’ve been on the candida diet now for 3 wks, making sure I eat enough and keep within a healthy weight. I’ve not had a glass of wine either and tonight that’s all I feel for.

No luck this time

So no luck. Uuurgh and I had all sorts of symptoms I’ve never had before, like cramps and feeling really, really tired etc..  One knows not to get excited, but you can’t help that glimmer of hope! I guess I’m looking forward to this 2 day work shop more than ever now. It’s in 2 wks, so it’s come at a good time. Will have to start round 5 of the clomid. Will plan IVF for December! Feeling down! Tomorrow is a new day!

x

Light at the end of the tunnel

So for the past 3 weeks I’ve had a deep dark depression set in. I’ve been doing a series of Cranio Sacral Therapy – Deep Body Mind & Relaxation. Through a combination of pressure and touch, a practitioner can release physical, mental and emotional blockages.

In my last session, my therapist said my body was fighting against losing control, terrified to let go and be overwhelmed by emotion. So she helped to let the emotion in. And boy did the flood gates open. I felt like the life was sucked out of me, isolated, alone, sad, angry and loads of pain. The things that I’m passionate about in life just didn’t fulfil me.

I didn’t try to fight it, I knew I had to experience it, feel the pain, acknowledge it. My therapist even suggested I see her twice a week, it really felt bad. I did however find out about a Seeking Motherhood course which I’ve enrolled in. A 2 day workshop dealing with the stresses of infertility and anxieties of pregnancy. It gave me some hope.

On Monday I had a break through, a friend reached out and said “you’ve been really quiet and are you ok?” I explained to her the best I could. There was something deeply uplifting having her try to understand, and say wow, we’ve been terrible friends, sending all these baby photo’s around is so insensitive. (on our group whatsapp chat). I’m not trying to make this a “me, me, me” story, I can’t expect them to walk on egg shells, but for someone to just get it for a second, makes you feel less alone.

It really did change my day. I saw an inspirational quote on my computer I’d saved, “She is clothed in strength and Dignity and laughs without fear of the future” I printed it out and stuck it on my wall behind my desk. Soon I had printed a whole wall full of slogans. “This too shall pass”, The longer you wait for the future, the shorter it will be, ” Go confidently in the direction of your dreams, live the life you imagined”  and so on! I feel empowered by my inspiration wall!

I feel like I see a flicker of light again, a sense of peace, it will happen!

P.S. I have my amazing husband to thank, for helping me and encouraging me through it all!