Crush

So devastatingly, things didn’t go to plan. I only produced one egg and unfortunately it didn’t fertilize – so we didn’t even get to put anything back – so basically our first round was a cancelled IVF. Ug it’s just such a numb feeling of disbelief, tears and frustration.

A week down the line I’ve begun to feel positive again – exercising again helps and I guess one needs to throw yourself into the things you can’t do on a IVF cycle… so I’m running again which I love and just keeping generally healthy – I went for my first session of acupuncture yesterday which I’m really excited about as there have been such incredible results with this Dr, plus started the Chinese herbs..  6 pills morning and evening – yukkie! Go little eggs go!!

I think now waiting a month and a half is the worst part. Failure makes, well definitely with us, more determined and one just wants to get cracking again . . .

So feeling in a much better space – we were knocked straight back down last night with a friends sms…. I mean what part of “We’re doing IVF” spells “please tell me the second you’re pregnant and how over the moon you are” AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH makes me so mad…. I know and understand that if you haven’t been through an infertility journey that people just don’t get it . . . but really ? Feeling very angry today . . . best hit the gym.

xx

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Light at the end of the tunnel

So for the past 3 weeks I’ve had a deep dark depression set in. I’ve been doing a series of Cranio Sacral Therapy – Deep Body Mind & Relaxation. Through a combination of pressure and touch, a practitioner can release physical, mental and emotional blockages.

In my last session, my therapist said my body was fighting against losing control, terrified to let go and be overwhelmed by emotion. So she helped to let the emotion in. And boy did the flood gates open. I felt like the life was sucked out of me, isolated, alone, sad, angry and loads of pain. The things that I’m passionate about in life just didn’t fulfil me.

I didn’t try to fight it, I knew I had to experience it, feel the pain, acknowledge it. My therapist even suggested I see her twice a week, it really felt bad. I did however find out about a Seeking Motherhood course which I’ve enrolled in. A 2 day workshop dealing with the stresses of infertility and anxieties of pregnancy. It gave me some hope.

On Monday I had a break through, a friend reached out and said “you’ve been really quiet and are you ok?” I explained to her the best I could. There was something deeply uplifting having her try to understand, and say wow, we’ve been terrible friends, sending all these baby photo’s around is so insensitive. (on our group whatsapp chat). I’m not trying to make this a “me, me, me” story, I can’t expect them to walk on egg shells, but for someone to just get it for a second, makes you feel less alone.

It really did change my day. I saw an inspirational quote on my computer I’d saved, “She is clothed in strength and Dignity and laughs without fear of the future” I printed it out and stuck it on my wall behind my desk. Soon I had printed a whole wall full of slogans. “This too shall pass”, The longer you wait for the future, the shorter it will be, ” Go confidently in the direction of your dreams, live the life you imagined”  and so on! I feel empowered by my inspiration wall!

I feel like I see a flicker of light again, a sense of peace, it will happen!

P.S. I have my amazing husband to thank, for helping me and encouraging me through it all!

Nobody understands

While I hate to be that person that wallows in grief, the pain is so bad! Besides my amazingly compassionate husband, feeling very alone! Unless you’re going through/been through infertility, people just don’t get the pain. “Chin up” starts getting maddening!

Our doctor said the other day, The Stress of infertility amounts to the same stress as losing a loved one, I can well believe it!

After telling people you’re going through fertility treatments, to be invited to dinner with another pregnant couple is shattering, smiling at story after story of their experience so far. You can’t blame the friends who’ve invited you, people don’t get it, and you can’t expect them to know.

Friends sending you constant photo’s of little Jonny’s new outfit, first step etc  gets ignored and one begins to just want to stay home, avoid all social contact, cause at the moment, no matter what you do, there is a happy, smiley baby couple.

Last Sunday the pain got so bad, just had enough, I turned to the bottle and drank myself into a complete state of black out. Really not the best option when trying to fall pregnant, but the loss, lonliness, longing just took over.

Guess there is a lot of acceptance to be learnt and one has to get out of bed everyday . .  . some days are easier than others!

Everyone is pregnant

As the months went by, slowly close friends and sister in laws started falling pregnant. That first, “I’m pregnant” is like a horrible sinking feeling. When you’re not prepared for it, the flood gates can be opened in a second. It’s a frustrating time as you’re so happy and really want to be happy for them, but you can’t help feel a massive sense of loss, jealousy, sadness, deflation.

And soon Facebook is flooded with scan photos, bare pregnant bellies and announcements. Everyone around you is pregnant and you can’t escape it. it’s like rubbing salt into your wounds. You’re on edge just waiting for the next announcement. Home alone, the tears and anger turn to sobbing and fighting off the urge to throw your beautiful wedding china against the wall.

What you do have to hold onto, are those around you going through the same thing. It’s such a great outlet to talk to someone going through the same thing, it’s like anything in life, cancer, bi-polar etc . . .

Until they fall pregnant. It’s like a double loss. That person you could vent with,   cry with or just have know what you’re dealing with is gone. Once their baby arrives, your chats are over and it’s like you’re forgotten, as they too join the Facebook “look at Jonny smile, fart, hiccup” parade.