The waiting game

So my blood test showed a positive result. The injection caused my LH levels to spike. The nurse said it was a high and so good surge/ovulation.

Should know this week if pregnant or not. Either way, this cycle ended up being a lot more positive than what it was originally looking like. So that’s great!

On Saturday I met the lady I’ll be doing the “Seeking Motherhood” Course with. We had a 2 hour session just for her to be able to understand each individual and their needs. I think the course is going to be great!

I guess at the moment my goal is not only to fall pregnant, but educate those that know someone with infertility and how to act around them.

As Sarah said, it’s not really spoken about and people just don’t know or understand the pain of someone going through infertility.

It’s like I said to my husband last night. If I got Cancer, or my mother died, people would come over with pie, be sensitive as to what they said around you, and certainly not show you photographs of their mom when you just lost yours.

Infertility is no different. The pain is as strong, but you get no pie, everyone showing you pictures of how well Jonny is doing and a, ” Oh, you could always adopt”.

I hope to be able to use my experience to educate and to maybe have someone else going through this, not feel so alone!

Here’s holding thumbs for this week!


This month

I forgot to add! This month my LH levels didn’t seem to rise, so I had to go for the injection (flip in the stomach, painful! Ouch!~no pain no gain 🙂 )

Anyway, I go for a blood test tomorrow to see whether it helped and whether I ovulated! Hold thumbs!

Light at the end of the tunnel

So for the past 3 weeks I’ve had a deep dark depression set in. I’ve been doing a series of Cranio Sacral Therapy – Deep Body Mind & Relaxation. Through a combination of pressure and touch, a practitioner can release physical, mental and emotional blockages.

In my last session, my therapist said my body was fighting against losing control, terrified to let go and be overwhelmed by emotion. So she helped to let the emotion in. And boy did the flood gates open. I felt like the life was sucked out of me, isolated, alone, sad, angry and loads of pain. The things that I’m passionate about in life just didn’t fulfil me.

I didn’t try to fight it, I knew I had to experience it, feel the pain, acknowledge it. My therapist even suggested I see her twice a week, it really felt bad. I did however find out about a Seeking Motherhood course which I’ve enrolled in. A 2 day workshop dealing with the stresses of infertility and anxieties of pregnancy. It gave me some hope.

On Monday I had a break through, a friend reached out and said “you’ve been really quiet and are you ok?” I explained to her the best I could. There was something deeply uplifting having her try to understand, and say wow, we’ve been terrible friends, sending all these baby photo’s around is so insensitive. (on our group whatsapp chat). I’m not trying to make this a “me, me, me” story, I can’t expect them to walk on egg shells, but for someone to just get it for a second, makes you feel less alone.

It really did change my day. I saw an inspirational quote on my computer I’d saved, “She is clothed in strength and Dignity and laughs without fear of the future” I printed it out and stuck it on my wall behind my desk. Soon I had printed a whole wall full of slogans. “This too shall pass”, The longer you wait for the future, the shorter it will be, ” Go confidently in the direction of your dreams, live the life you imagined”  and so on! I feel empowered by my inspiration wall!

I feel like I see a flicker of light again, a sense of peace, it will happen!

P.S. I have my amazing husband to thank, for helping me and encouraging me through it all!

Nobody understands

While I hate to be that person that wallows in grief, the pain is so bad! Besides my amazingly compassionate husband, feeling very alone! Unless you’re going through/been through infertility, people just don’t get the pain. “Chin up” starts getting maddening!

Our doctor said the other day, The Stress of infertility amounts to the same stress as losing a loved one, I can well believe it!

After telling people you’re going through fertility treatments, to be invited to dinner with another pregnant couple is shattering, smiling at story after story of their experience so far. You can’t blame the friends who’ve invited you, people don’t get it, and you can’t expect them to know.

Friends sending you constant photo’s of little Jonny’s new outfit, first step etc  gets ignored and one begins to just want to stay home, avoid all social contact, cause at the moment, no matter what you do, there is a happy, smiley baby couple.

Last Sunday the pain got so bad, just had enough, I turned to the bottle and drank myself into a complete state of black out. Really not the best option when trying to fall pregnant, but the loss, lonliness, longing just took over.

Guess there is a lot of acceptance to be learnt and one has to get out of bed everyday . .  . some days are easier than others!

In and out of hospital

So I was devastated at receiving not even a personal e-mail from my doctor to explain why she was no longer working there. It’s such a personal journey and you’re left feeling like, now what?

I decided not to judge, as I didn’t know what was going on in her life, we all have our “stuff”.

Having chatted to some friends who had recently had babies through means of fertility treatments, I was recommended a really great hospital and I found an awesome, compassionate doctor.

His first advice was, if we don’t know what’s happening inside you, it’s difficult to know what our steps should be. So he suggested a laparoscopy, a tiny scope they put through your belly button to see if everything is working inside and a Hysteroscopy.

“What is diagnostic hysteroscopy?

Diagnostic hysteroscopy is used to diagnose problems of the uterus. Diagnostic hysteroscopy is also used to confirm results of other tests, such as hysterosalpingography (HSG). HSG is an X-ray dye test used to check the uterus and fallopian tubes.” Read more here.

The lead up to this event was not fun, and definitely not fun for my husband. The not knowing, the waiting and the fear of ‘what if” drives you crazy. I became a little edgy and snappy and more and more scared the closer we got to operation day. I couldn’t focus on anything, always having the operation in the back of my mind.

But before I new it I was lying on the operating bed, I could feel the surge of anesthetic racing, hot through my body, and quickly I was asleep.

Waking up groggy, it was so great to see my husband – but we had to wait a little while before the doctor came, me drifting in and out of sleep.  I’d been in 2 1/2 hours, so we knew there had been some operating or “fixing” involved.

Turns out both my tubes were blocked. My doctor had cut and opened them with metal rings. What a relief! Something was wrong, and it had been fixed … it was positive news indeed!