So devastatingly, things didn’t go to plan. I only produced one egg and unfortunately it didn’t fertilize – so we didn’t even get to put anything back – so basically our first round was a cancelled IVF. Ug it’s just such a numb feeling of disbelief, tears and frustration.

A week down the line I’ve begun to feel positive again – exercising again helps and I guess one needs to throw yourself into the things you can’t do on a IVF cycle… so I’m running again which I love and just keeping generally healthy – I went for my first session of acupuncture yesterday which I’m really excited about as there have been such incredible results with this Dr, plus started the Chinese herbs..  6 pills morning and evening – yukkie! Go little eggs go!!

I think now waiting a month and a half is the worst part. Failure makes, well definitely with us, more determined and one just wants to get cracking again . . .

So feeling in a much better space – we were knocked straight back down last night with a friends sms…. I mean what part of “We’re doing IVF” spells “please tell me the second you’re pregnant and how over the moon you are” AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH makes me so mad…. I know and understand that if you haven’t been through an infertility journey that people just don’t get it . . . but really ? Feeling very angry today . . . best hit the gym.



Aspiration day

I’ve been really bad at documenting my first IVF process, perhaps because I’m sleeping all the time. I’m glad I did a lot of reading up on IVF, at the time I thought reading about all the horror stories was a bad things but going in with “Expect the worst  hope for the best” paid off. The first 2 weeks of injections really wasn’t as bad as I had expected. I have just been really tired, getting in a good 1:30-2 hour nap in everyday and slight headaches but the injections themselves haven’t been too nasty and I guess being ones first round there is an element of excitement.

For a while I was like this is a piece of cake, when does the “bitchy” mood swing begin . . . mmm well ya I spoke to soon. My first scan and those to follow were not great. (And here the emotional roller coaster begins) I have only 2/3 potential follicles and the rest are just too small. The Dr said he ideally would like 5/6  – He even gave us the option to opt out of our first cycle which made my heart sink, trying to hold back the tears, but then he went on to say if I was his daughter he would go for it. Who knows, next cycle I could make more follicles, but I could again only make 2 or 3 – and then may as well have tried the first time round. So now it’s really just a shot in the dark – I could have great egg quality and 2 could be put back, or have poor egg quality and it’s game over – round 1!

My Dr did go on to say, the power of ones Psyche is incredible and not to get down – to talk to my follicles and be positive 🙂

So my motto: ” Anything Can happen!” There are so many incredible miracle stories out there and why can’t I be one of them!!! I know not everyone is religious but man has my faith helped me through this – and again it’s so important to have a support base. I know so many women keep quiet about IVF – I used to – I was admitting failure otherwise… there was something wrong with me and my usual need for control was being challenged.

But I can’t tell you how opening up to people helps! It’s incredible how many friends of friends or people have gone through it that you meet on an every day basis. A nurse giving me my 11pm injection at the maternity ward told me of how her son is an IVF baby – how she as a midwife was delivering everyone elses babies and not being able to conceive herself – now that’s TOUGH! But stories like these put your own story into perspective and bring hope! I have found some lovely new IVF friends and family – Having an IVF / “infertility friend” makes one feel less alone and you can rant and cry without judgement and they just get it! Other friends make you feel like, “Oh gee this topic again!!” I’m not saying they mean to do that, but that’s how it feels.. You don’t have to share with everyone – share where you feel safe! I’m even telling clients – it’s amazing the support one gets when just being honest instead of beating round the bush.

Anyway, tomorrow is the big day  – here’s praying my follicles are little champs!!! X

IVF time

So it’s been AGES since I posted.. lots has happened. Some things along the way I believe were meant to be – we booked a special deal on flights to Morocco and the dates fell right in-between finishing clomid  (11 rounds with an operation in the middle) and IVF. The holiday was amazing and such an escape, JUST what I needed!! Apart from being told my husbands cousin was pregnant at dinner… TEARS, tears, tears.. (Bless he thought rather he tell me than I see it on FB) Anyway the holiday was a blessing and we feel recharged.

So we’re back and after the last 2 months of not being on anything, partying, living like I’m 21 again and just trying to forget, it’s time to get healthy again and focus. (Although we generally are pretty healthy:) )

I am awaiting my period at the end of this month and then we start our first round of IVF. I’m SUPER excited but terrified at the same time. At the moment we just feel for isolating ourselves. We just can’t be around new borns, family days with loads of kids, especially this time of the year and obviously pregnant couples. It just destroys your positivity… and makes your heart sore!

Anyway – bracing myself for some horrible mood swings but just have to focus on “It’s going to happen!!!!” Big squeeze for all those going through this! It’s CRAP! But I know I am going to come out a stronger person and more equipped as a mother for the twins 🙂


Down cycle

After a positive month of nice big follicles and my LH rising normally, it feels like everything has come crashing down again,

My sister inlaw, who I love, is pregnant. The news however was so painful, they’re now having their 2nd in less time than the 4 yrs we’ve been trying, it’s going to be torturous to watch. . . I don’t know what to do about family occasions, right now i don’t feel brave enough, I’ll have to somehow get my head around this one.

Today I got the news I’m not pregnant, and so another cycle starts. I hate it as we’re almost wishing our dream holiday in Nov to Morocco away, wanting to hurry up and jump to IVF. I feel helpless right now, like will it ever happen.

I’ve been on the candida diet now for 3 wks, making sure I eat enough and keep within a healthy weight. I’ve not had a glass of wine either and tonight that’s all I feel for.

Some positivity

I went to the Seeking Motherhood course over the weekend. It was something rather out of my comfort zone, but I really got so much out of it!

I guess the best part was being with women in the same boat, sharing our stories and realizing all your feelings are normal (in fertility world). It makes it less of a lonely place to be.

I had a few “AHA” moments too. Realizing I haven’t been giving this 100%. Something I’ve known but been in denial about! Too scared to give it my all and it still doesn’t work.But I’ve had a sort of shift in my thinking.

So Monday I stopped alcohol and have started the Candida diet. No sugar, wheat, dairy, vinegar. I learned from one of the girls that the clomid can give you Candida, and I have most of the symptoms. Either way, I know I’m going to soon feel amazing and have my body at optimum health for my journey.

We saw our doctor today and I had 2 large follicles and loads of smaller ones, which has been the best news in years! The last 4 months haven’t shown much positivity and I feel like dancing I’m so excited to just have some good news! Holding thumbs! xx

No luck this time

So no luck. Uuurgh and I had all sorts of symptoms I’ve never had before, like cramps and feeling really, really tired etc..  One knows not to get excited, but you can’t help that glimmer of hope! I guess I’m looking forward to this 2 day work shop more than ever now. It’s in 2 wks, so it’s come at a good time. Will have to start round 5 of the clomid. Will plan IVF for December! Feeling down! Tomorrow is a new day!


The waiting game

So my blood test showed a positive result. The injection caused my LH levels to spike. The nurse said it was a high and so good surge/ovulation.

Should know this week if pregnant or not. Either way, this cycle ended up being a lot more positive than what it was originally looking like. So that’s great!

On Saturday I met the lady I’ll be doing the “Seeking Motherhood” Course with. We had a 2 hour session just for her to be able to understand each individual and their needs. I think the course is going to be great!

I guess at the moment my goal is not only to fall pregnant, but educate those that know someone with infertility and how to act around them.

As Sarah said, it’s not really spoken about and people just don’t know or understand the pain of someone going through infertility.

It’s like I said to my husband last night. If I got Cancer, or my mother died, people would come over with pie, be sensitive as to what they said around you, and certainly not show you photographs of their mom when you just lost yours.

Infertility is no different. The pain is as strong, but you get no pie, everyone showing you pictures of how well Jonny is doing and a, ” Oh, you could always adopt”.

I hope to be able to use my experience to educate and to maybe have someone else going through this, not feel so alone!

Here’s holding thumbs for this week!

This month

I forgot to add! This month my LH levels didn’t seem to rise, so I had to go for the injection (flip in the stomach, painful! Ouch!~no pain no gain 🙂 )

Anyway, I go for a blood test tomorrow to see whether it helped and whether I ovulated! Hold thumbs!

Light at the end of the tunnel

So for the past 3 weeks I’ve had a deep dark depression set in. I’ve been doing a series of Cranio Sacral Therapy – Deep Body Mind & Relaxation. Through a combination of pressure and touch, a practitioner can release physical, mental and emotional blockages.

In my last session, my therapist said my body was fighting against losing control, terrified to let go and be overwhelmed by emotion. So she helped to let the emotion in. And boy did the flood gates open. I felt like the life was sucked out of me, isolated, alone, sad, angry and loads of pain. The things that I’m passionate about in life just didn’t fulfil me.

I didn’t try to fight it, I knew I had to experience it, feel the pain, acknowledge it. My therapist even suggested I see her twice a week, it really felt bad. I did however find out about a Seeking Motherhood course which I’ve enrolled in. A 2 day workshop dealing with the stresses of infertility and anxieties of pregnancy. It gave me some hope.

On Monday I had a break through, a friend reached out and said “you’ve been really quiet and are you ok?” I explained to her the best I could. There was something deeply uplifting having her try to understand, and say wow, we’ve been terrible friends, sending all these baby photo’s around is so insensitive. (on our group whatsapp chat). I’m not trying to make this a “me, me, me” story, I can’t expect them to walk on egg shells, but for someone to just get it for a second, makes you feel less alone.

It really did change my day. I saw an inspirational quote on my computer I’d saved, “She is clothed in strength and Dignity and laughs without fear of the future” I printed it out and stuck it on my wall behind my desk. Soon I had printed a whole wall full of slogans. “This too shall pass”, The longer you wait for the future, the shorter it will be, ” Go confidently in the direction of your dreams, live the life you imagined”  and so on! I feel empowered by my inspiration wall!

I feel like I see a flicker of light again, a sense of peace, it will happen!

P.S. I have my amazing husband to thank, for helping me and encouraging me through it all!