Crush

So devastatingly, things didn’t go to plan. I only produced one egg and unfortunately it didn’t fertilize – so we didn’t even get to put anything back – so basically our first round was a cancelled IVF. Ug it’s just such a numb feeling of disbelief, tears and frustration.

A week down the line I’ve begun to feel positive again – exercising again helps and I guess one needs to throw yourself into the things you can’t do on a IVF cycle… so I’m running again which I love and just keeping generally healthy – I went for my first session of acupuncture yesterday which I’m really excited about as there have been such incredible results with this Dr, plus started the Chinese herbs..  6 pills morning and evening – yukkie! Go little eggs go!!

I think now waiting a month and a half is the worst part. Failure makes, well definitely with us, more determined and one just wants to get cracking again . . .

So feeling in a much better space – we were knocked straight back down last night with a friends sms…. I mean what part of “We’re doing IVF” spells “please tell me the second you’re pregnant and how over the moon you are” AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH makes me so mad…. I know and understand that if you haven’t been through an infertility journey that people just don’t get it . . . but really ? Feeling very angry today . . . best hit the gym.

xx

Aspiration day

I’ve been really bad at documenting my first IVF process, perhaps because I’m sleeping all the time. I’m glad I did a lot of reading up on IVF, at the time I thought reading about all the horror stories was a bad things but going in with “Expect the worst  hope for the best” paid off. The first 2 weeks of injections really wasn’t as bad as I had expected. I have just been really tired, getting in a good 1:30-2 hour nap in everyday and slight headaches but the injections themselves haven’t been too nasty and I guess being ones first round there is an element of excitement.

For a while I was like this is a piece of cake, when does the “bitchy” mood swing begin . . . mmm well ya I spoke to soon. My first scan and those to follow were not great. (And here the emotional roller coaster begins) I have only 2/3 potential follicles and the rest are just too small. The Dr said he ideally would like 5/6  – He even gave us the option to opt out of our first cycle which made my heart sink, trying to hold back the tears, but then he went on to say if I was his daughter he would go for it. Who knows, next cycle I could make more follicles, but I could again only make 2 or 3 – and then may as well have tried the first time round. So now it’s really just a shot in the dark – I could have great egg quality and 2 could be put back, or have poor egg quality and it’s game over – round 1!

My Dr did go on to say, the power of ones Psyche is incredible and not to get down – to talk to my follicles and be positive 🙂

So my motto: ” Anything Can happen!” There are so many incredible miracle stories out there and why can’t I be one of them!!! I know not everyone is religious but man has my faith helped me through this – and again it’s so important to have a support base. I know so many women keep quiet about IVF – I used to – I was admitting failure otherwise… there was something wrong with me and my usual need for control was being challenged.

But I can’t tell you how opening up to people helps! It’s incredible how many friends of friends or people have gone through it that you meet on an every day basis. A nurse giving me my 11pm injection at the maternity ward told me of how her son is an IVF baby – how she as a midwife was delivering everyone elses babies and not being able to conceive herself – now that’s TOUGH! But stories like these put your own story into perspective and bring hope! I have found some lovely new IVF friends and family – Having an IVF / “infertility friend” makes one feel less alone and you can rant and cry without judgement and they just get it! Other friends make you feel like, “Oh gee this topic again!!” I’m not saying they mean to do that, but that’s how it feels.. You don’t have to share with everyone – share where you feel safe! I’m even telling clients – it’s amazing the support one gets when just being honest instead of beating round the bush.

Anyway, tomorrow is the big day  – here’s praying my follicles are little champs!!! X