Some positivity

I went to the Seeking Motherhood course over the weekend. It was something rather out of my comfort zone, but I really got so much out of it!

I guess the best part was being with women in the same boat, sharing our stories and realizing all your feelings are normal (in fertility world). It makes it less of a lonely place to be.

I had a few “AHA” moments too. Realizing I haven’t been giving this 100%. Something I’ve known but been in denial about! Too scared to give it my all and it still doesn’t work.But I’ve had a sort of shift in my thinking.

So Monday I stopped alcohol and have started the Candida diet. No sugar, wheat, dairy, vinegar. I learned from one of the girls that the clomid can give you Candida, and I have most of the symptoms. Either way, I know I’m going to soon feel amazing and have my body at optimum health for my journey.

We saw our doctor today and I had 2 large follicles and loads of smaller ones, which has been the best news in years! The last 4 months haven’t shown much positivity and I feel like dancing I’m so excited to just have some good news! Holding thumbs! xx

No luck this time

So no luck. Uuurgh and I had all sorts of symptoms I’ve never had before, like cramps and feeling really, really tired etc..  One knows not to get excited, but you can’t help that glimmer of hope! I guess I’m looking forward to this 2 day work shop more than ever now. It’s in 2 wks, so it’s come at a good time. Will have to start round 5 of the clomid. Will plan IVF for December! Feeling down! Tomorrow is a new day!

x

The waiting game

So my blood test showed a positive result. The injection caused my LH levels to spike. The nurse said it was a high and so good surge/ovulation.

Should know this week if pregnant or not. Either way, this cycle ended up being a lot more positive than what it was originally looking like. So that’s great!

On Saturday I met the lady I’ll be doing the “Seeking Motherhood” Course with. We had a 2 hour session just for her to be able to understand each individual and their needs. I think the course is going to be great!

I guess at the moment my goal is not only to fall pregnant, but educate those that know someone with infertility and how to act around them.

As Sarah said, it’s not really spoken about and people just don’t know or understand the pain of someone going through infertility.

It’s like I said to my husband last night. If I got Cancer, or my mother died, people would come over with pie, be sensitive as to what they said around you, and certainly not show you photographs of their mom when you just lost yours.

Infertility is no different. The pain is as strong, but you get no pie, everyone showing you pictures of how well Jonny is doing and a, ” Oh, you could always adopt”.

I hope to be able to use my experience to educate and to maybe have someone else going through this, not feel so alone!

Here’s holding thumbs for this week!

This month

I forgot to add! This month my LH levels didn’t seem to rise, so I had to go for the injection (flip in the stomach, painful! Ouch!~no pain no gain 🙂 )

Anyway, I go for a blood test tomorrow to see whether it helped and whether I ovulated! Hold thumbs!

Light at the end of the tunnel

So for the past 3 weeks I’ve had a deep dark depression set in. I’ve been doing a series of Cranio Sacral Therapy – Deep Body Mind & Relaxation. Through a combination of pressure and touch, a practitioner can release physical, mental and emotional blockages.

In my last session, my therapist said my body was fighting against losing control, terrified to let go and be overwhelmed by emotion. So she helped to let the emotion in. And boy did the flood gates open. I felt like the life was sucked out of me, isolated, alone, sad, angry and loads of pain. The things that I’m passionate about in life just didn’t fulfil me.

I didn’t try to fight it, I knew I had to experience it, feel the pain, acknowledge it. My therapist even suggested I see her twice a week, it really felt bad. I did however find out about a Seeking Motherhood course which I’ve enrolled in. A 2 day workshop dealing with the stresses of infertility and anxieties of pregnancy. It gave me some hope.

On Monday I had a break through, a friend reached out and said “you’ve been really quiet and are you ok?” I explained to her the best I could. There was something deeply uplifting having her try to understand, and say wow, we’ve been terrible friends, sending all these baby photo’s around is so insensitive. (on our group whatsapp chat). I’m not trying to make this a “me, me, me” story, I can’t expect them to walk on egg shells, but for someone to just get it for a second, makes you feel less alone.

It really did change my day. I saw an inspirational quote on my computer I’d saved, “She is clothed in strength and Dignity and laughs without fear of the future” I printed it out and stuck it on my wall behind my desk. Soon I had printed a whole wall full of slogans. “This too shall pass”, The longer you wait for the future, the shorter it will be, ” Go confidently in the direction of your dreams, live the life you imagined”  and so on! I feel empowered by my inspiration wall!

I feel like I see a flicker of light again, a sense of peace, it will happen!

P.S. I have my amazing husband to thank, for helping me and encouraging me through it all!